


To Keep a Promise

by YumeArashi



Category: Fushigi Yuugi
Genre: Canonical Character Death, Drunken Confessions, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gen, References to Homophobia, Tearjerker, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-15
Updated: 2013-01-15
Packaged: 2017-11-25 14:52:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,336
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/640012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/YumeArashi/pseuds/YumeArashi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tasuki and Nuriko talk, after Miaka ran away from them during the Star Festival.  Friendship fic, with an epilogue set in episode 33.</p>
            </blockquote>





	To Keep a Promise

**Author's Note:**

> Major spoilers through episode 33 including canon character death

Nuriko sighed and signaled the innkeeper for another drink.  Miaka had run off -- again -- and he and Tasuki had spent the better part of the Star-Watching Festival looking for her.  After she’d proved to be thoroughly missing, Tasuki had growled something about Miaka being a hopeless moron and proposed they go ahead and have a good time without her -- getting drunk.  It wasn’t something Nuriko had done before, but it kind of appealed to him.  Especially after Tasuki had pointed out that Miaka couldn’t come to much harm in the crowded streets, even without the guards posted every few buildings to keep an eye on the merrymaking.

So here he was, sitting in a little tavern, getting quite thoroughly plastered.  Seeing all the happy, normal people celebrating the stars had been difficult for him, and he was hoping that alcohol would ease the pain.  So far, it wasn’t working.

A flicker of motion caught his eye and he turned to see what it was.  A young couple had just come in, and were being cheerfully greeted by their friends.  Tears ran unnoticed down Nuriko’s cheeks as he watched the warm, friendly welcome and the lovers’ exchange of affection.  Suddenly it was just too hard to keep the pain inside, and he put his head down on the table and started to cry.

Tasuki returned from settling with the innkeeper about a room just in time to see the tears in his friend’s eyes before Nuriko buried his face in his arms.  _Aw, shit..._ He began to wonder if this hadn’t been such a great idea.  He’d noticed that Nuriko was being unusually quiet, but he’d written it off as just being the alcohol.  He’d been impressed by his friend’s steadiness; he didn’t even remember how many they’d had, and Nuriko had been matching him drink for drink.  _Looks like he hit his limit, though.  Shimatta._

He went over and gently laid a hand on his friend’s shoulder.  “Na, Nuriko, what’s wrong?”  But Nuriko flinched away from his touch and Tasuki swore inwardly, wondering what demons had been loosed by his not-so-bright suggestion.  _Well, whatever’s wrong with him, I’m sure as hell not gonna be able to do much here._   He silently thanked Suzaku that he’d just made arrangements for a room, knowing that the fortunate timing was more than he deserved.  _What the hell made me think this was a good idea?  How could I be smart enough to know we’d need a room because we’re in no shape to get home, but dumb enough to do this in the first place?_

Ignoring the curious looks they were starting to draw, he leaned down and gathered the purple-haired seishi into his arms, feeling the slender form shake with silent sobs.  His friend’s slight weight startled him, and for the first time, he realized how small Nuriko really was.  _Damn, he’s barely half my size.  He’s so strong that I never noticed..._

A drunken wolf whistle, followed by an equally drunken “Go get ‘im, bro!” interrupted Tasuki’s thoughts.  He turned to level an icy glare in the direction of the loudmouth, then turned and left the common room, taking his friend upstairs.

The innkeeper had been apologetic about the lack of a room with more than one bed, but Tasuki had just shrugged.  He’d spent the last couple of years sharing a bed with Kouji, once Kouji had gotten over his ‘I get the bed because you’re the newcomer’ attitude.  Bandits’ quarters weren’t exactly palatial, even for the Leader’s favorites.  Tasuki grinned, remembering the barracks that housed most the thieves -- he’d been lucky to have a room at all!

Unlocking the door wasn’t easy, given that his arms were pretty well occupied.  But between the dexterity he’d acquired as a bandit and the fact that Nuriko was curled up into an impossibly tiny ball, he managed it.  He pulled the door shut behind them and locked it, then went over to the bed.  He sat down, kicking off his boots, and pulled his friend against his chest in a rough hug.

“C’mon, Nuriko, talk to me.  What’s wrong?”  It hurt to see his friend like this.  Nuriko was always so cheerful, always laughing at something or teasing someone.  To see his beautiful face streaked with tears seemed somehow wrong, as if it weren’t really him.

Nuriko looked up at his friend, and the anguish in his soft violet eyes hit Tasuki with the force of a physical blow.  “Onegai...I don’t want to hurt anymore...”  The whispered words were so quiet that Tasuki barely caught them, but they carried more pain than a scream.

“Shh, Nuriko, I’m not gonna hurt you.  I’m your friend, I’ll never hurt you.”  It was so hard, forcing the words past the suddenly tightness in his throat.

“It hurts so much and I’m so alone.  I don’t want to be alone anymore, I don’t want to hurt anymore.  Tasuki, make it stop hurting, onegai...”

Answering tears welled up in Tasuki’s eyes at the broken plea in his friend’s voice.  How could anyone hurt so much, and hide it so well?  _How do I make him stop hurting?_ “You’re not alone, Nuriko, I’m here.  I’ll always be here when you need me.  I won’t leave you, I won’t let you be alone.  I promise.” 

Nuriko didn’t answer, except to cling to him a little tighter.  Tasuki frowned at the complete rigidity of his friend’s body, at the tension singing from every muscle.  After a moment’s consideration, he pulled out the band that held Nuriko’s braid and ran calloused, gentle fingers through the loosening violet waves.  The soothing motions calmed Nuriko, and gradually he relaxed, his tears slowing to a halt.

“Now, are ya gonna tell me what’s wrong, or am I gonna have to kick your ass?” 

Although Nuriko couldn’t help smile at the demand, the smile never reached his pain-dark eyes.  “What does it matter?” 

Tasuki scowled.  “You’re my friend, that’s what matters!  I don’t just sit back and watch when my friends are hurting, not when I can do something about it!”

“And when you can’t?”

The question stopped Tasuki in his tracks, but not for long.  After a moment’s consideration, he scowled even more fiercely.  “I still don’t let it happen!”  Nuriko sighed.  After a moment, Tasuki tried again.  “C’mon, what’s wrong?  You don’t know that it’s nothing I can help with.  Even if I can’t change anything, at least I can listen.”

Nuriko was quiet for a moment more, then spoke slowly.  “It just seems unfair, sometimes.  Everyone respects Hotohori’s feelings for Miaka.  Everyone feels bad for him because he loves her so much, and she’ll never love him.  But how is it different with me?  I also love someone who won’t ever return my feelings.  It hurts me just as much.  But no one takes it seriously.  People laugh at me, they think it’s funny.  And yeah, maybe I play it up a little, but that doesn’t mean my pain isn’t real.”

“Nuriko...”

“Do you have any idea how sick I get of being called ‘gay-boy’?  Do you really think I chose to be this way?  Has it ever occurred to anyone that maybe I wish I were normal, that I’d fallen in love with a girl like any other man?  Why would anyone in their right mind voluntarily be this way, condemned by the world as a freak because a hopeless love for someone who’s guaranteed never to want anything to do with them?  So many people despise me without knowing anything about me, without knowing what made me who I am.  I treat things lightly so no one sees how much it hurts, I hide my pain because it’s the only way I’ve ever known how to deal with it.  I’ve been alone for so long that I don’t know how to let people in.  I spent too many years trapped in a masquerade of my own making, trying to be someone I wasn’t, while my true self screamed to be free.”

“But you’re not alone anymore.  You have all of us, now.  We’re your friends, we wouldn’t hurt you.”

“No?  Tasuki, if you think I’ve never heard that kind of thing from my fellow seishi, you haven’t been paying attention.”  Tasuki winced, remembering the times he’d called his friend ‘gay-boy’, thinking it was only a joke.  “I don’t give a damn what the court thinks.  They’re all a pack of idiots and asses anyhow.  But when you guys say stuff like that...”  Nuriko closed his eyes.  “That’s when it really hurts.”

Tasuki pulled his friend close in a crushing embrace.  “Nuriko, I’m sorry, I never knew I was hurting you.  I just never stopped to think...”

Nuriko shrugged.  “I didn’t expect you to.  You don’t think that way.  But I wish some of the others would realize it.”

Tasuki frowned.  “So my excuse is that I’m stupid?”

Nuriko smiled tiredly, trying to summon his usual teasing tone of voice.  “Yup!”

Tasuki gently tugged on Nuriko’s hair.  “Remind me later that you owe me for that comment.”  There was a moment of quiet, then Tasuki spoke softly.  “I can talk to the others, make them see how you feel.  They’ll stop if they know it hurts you.”

But Nuriko shook his head.  “Please, Tasuki...don’t say anything.  Just...I’d rather forget this ever happened.”

“Why?  What the hell for?   If I talk to them, they’ll stop making fun of you, they’ll take you seriously.  Isn’t that what you want?”

Nuriko took a moment before replying.  “What I want is not to hurt anymore.  As long as I love Hotohori, that’s never going to happen.  There’s nothing you can do.  Besides, as long as I keep smiling, no one looks too closely to see what’s behind the smile, and that’s the way I want it.  I never wanted this to happen, I never wanted anyone to see this pain.  I’m capable of dealing with this.  Have you ever seen me unable to handle this before?  I just broke down tonight because I’m drunk.  I’m fine, really I am.”

“Dammit, Nuriko, the least you can do is be honest with me.  I won’t say anything if that’s what you really want, but don’t bullshit me about being fine.  You’re not fine.”  Tasuki’s face softened.  “Don’t lie to yourself, either.  There’s nothing wrong with needing someone.  You don’t always have to be strong.  If you need a friend, come to me, all right?  I’ll promise not to say anything, but you have to promise me you’ll come to me when you need someone.  Even if it’s only for a hug, okay?”

“I promise.”  And deep in Nuriko’s heart, it was a promise he was glad to make.  Despite what he’d said, he had wanted this; needed it, even.

“Good.  I’d have had to kick your butt if you didn’t promise, ya know that.”  Nuriko raised an eyebrow at his friend.  “And I promise not to say anything to any of the others.”  Tasuki grinned suddenly, “Although I don’t promise not to kick Tama’s ass if he calls ya that!”

Nuriko sighed.  “The only difference being that now you’ll have an excuse for doing so...”

Tasuki pretended to scowl.  “So I didn’t have one before.  Big deal...”  Nuriko’s smile was genuine this time, and Tasuki was happy to see his friend was recovering his spirits.  Then a yawn took him by surprise, and he remembered that they’d need to be up early the next day.  “Well, I dunno about you, but I’m bushed.  What say we get some shut-eye?”

Nuriko yawned as well, suddenly realizing that he was utterly exhausted.  “Mm, I agree.”  One violet eye opened uncertainly.  “Will...will you stay?  I mean...it’s just that...”

Tasuki gave him a hug.  “I promised I wouldn’t leave you, didn’t I?”  He leaned over to tug Nuriko’s shoes off, then lay down, pulling the other seishi with him.  He reached down to pull up a blanket, then settled himself on his back, feeling Nuriko sleepily snuggle against him.  Tasuki was touched by the innocent affection, and he wondered briefly if Nuriko was affectionate by nature, and just never had the chance to show it. He felt a sudden sadness then, for the Nuriko that might have been, and anger towards whatever cruelties of life had prevented it.  He felt a fierce sense of protectiveness toward the fragility in his arms.  _I wish I could promise you’ll never be hurt..._  He leaned down and pressed a gentle kiss to Nuriko’s forehead, but the other seishi was already asleep.  Tasuki sighed and decided to try and follow suit.

“Oyasumi, Nuriko...”

 

**********

 

Tasuki knelt alone in the snow by a new-made grave, scraping away just enough to make a little hollow.  Taking out his knife, he cut a lock of flame-colored hair and placed it in the depression.  Somehow, it felt right to leave a piece of himself here, just as a piece of his heart lay buried in the snow.  Tears fell, melting snowflakes as fragile as the man who lay beneath them.  _Nuriko...I’m sorry, I couldn’t keep my promise.  I said I’d stay with you, I promised I wouldn’t leave..._ He packed snow over the bright bit of color, filling in the tiny hole.  _This is the best I can do.  I’m sorry.  Sorry I couldn’t keep my promise, sorry you never got to be happy.  If anyone in this fucked-up world deserved it, you did.  You were right, you know -- it is unfair._   Slowly, he stood.  There was no time to grieve, however much his heart might hurt.  In a way, it felt good to hurt.  How could he deserve happiness, when his friend had lived and died without it? 

Tasuki heard the others calling him, and turned to leave.  As much as he wanted to keep his promise, it would have been unthinkable to waste Nuriko’s sacrifice. 

_At least you got what you wanted, though -- you won’t ever hurt again._


End file.
